posted
Oct 7, 2011 by News Hunter
I can’t help but wonder what would happen if the demonstrators took their seemingly boundless energy and resources and started protesting against our country’s real enemies: Snooki and The Situation. Oh, and against the good people who run wine vineyards, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Anyway, the whole Facebook revelation sent Snooki into an fit of screams. After the girls patched up their differences, Snooki called her dad to tell him that she missed Jionni and ask what she can do. The next day, the boys headed off for a trip to see Vinny’s ancestral homeland, Sicily. I know everybody’s riding high on the Steve Jobs grief-porn bandwagon this week, posting non-stop Tweets about how the Apple pioneer changed the future of the world with his technological innovations. Anyway, after that car-crash of a presentation ended, the girls were sitting around and drinking wine and chatting when Jenni all but implied that something did happen between Snooki and Mike — something about Snooki telling lies to everybody, or something. Whether it was the wine talking, or an overall disgust about how Snooks was conducting her life, Jenni served up a steaming hot plate of home truths: she said that Jionni will never forgive Snooki for hooking up with Vinny, that she needs to accept this and move on, and most importantly, that if Snooki actually loved Jionni, “You wouldn’t have done that with Vinny.” Which is like, harsh but true, right? Anyway, Jenni’s tough love sort of stunned Snooki, who I’m sure is used to being told only what she wants to hear, like, “No, Snooks, I don’t think you have a drinking problem!” or “Yeah, not wearing underwear with that miniskirt is totally a good idea.” After knocking over and damaging the winery owner’s Vespa, Snooki and the gang moved onto their next vineyard tour, where the half-pint boorishly slept on a pile of casks while a kind but horrified man politely tried to give his informational presentation. Her answer to this 7:30 AM dilemma? Why, mimosas, of course! That’s right, ladies: if you wake up in another man’s bed without underwear or the slightest notion of what went on the night before, the first thing you should do is drink your cares away. Because, as I’ll illustrate in this week’s Jersey Shore Season 4, Episode 10 recap, these two scumbags (let’s be frank: after this week’s show, “scumbag” is kind of the nicest thing that I can say about them) need to be called out for their crimes against decency and — most importantly — against humanity. Anyway, it was a coded comment — but not really, because like, even though Mike is a down-and-out rat, I’m sure there isn’t a single Jersey Shore viewer who actually believes that something didn’t happen between him and Snooki. Anyway! This week’s episode began with Snooki waking up in Vinny’s bed, with absolutely no recollection of how she got there. Which — and I’m just going to come out and say it — but f**k you for being so rude, Snooki. Of course Mike didn’t actually have Unit do this — his simply told his housemates that he did, so that he could find out which one of them went back to Snooki and ratted him out. Long story short, JWOWW’s second dose of tough love set off a full-on screaming match between she and Snooki (in the middle of the second winery, no less), which the two BFFs later resolved back at the apartment. Dodging the exploding bottles of vino, Mike quickly confessed that he’d intentionally planted the lie; and eventually the mad-capped violence died down, with Snooki collapsed into a shattered pile of hair and tears. Give me f**king wine,” she snorted), eventually stalling the poor wine lady’s admittedly dry talk about tannins and top notes by asking her pals what she should do about Jionni. Anyway, Vinny finally met his long-lost Italian family and, judging by the marathon binge eating and incomprehensible dialects, they were exactly like his Staten Island family. And I suppose that, apart from the fact that there were no electrically-powered tour-guide cars or genetically engineered dinosaurs, it.kind of looked like Jurassic Park? I mean, insofar as the fictional dinosaur island was, like Sicily, also located on planet earth. And while in reality his scheme was an illogical and abysmal failure, Mike was far too incompetent to realize it. Snooki reacted as one would expect: she lobbed F-bombs almost as passionately and frequently as she pitched full bottles of red wine at Mike’s tiny greasy head. And the name for Mike’s grandiose plan? “Gym, Tan, Who’s the rat?”. But before Meatball #1 was able to keep the black-out good times coming, Jenni revealed to her that, the night before, Mike had gone into the dirty details about the alleged top-secret hummer that Snooki gave him while she was still with Jionni. Naturally, Snooki seized this opportunity to have a screaming-fit meltdown. After she calmed down, she called her ex-boyfriend and, in between chugging a bottle of beer, confessed to hooking up (but not smushing!) with Vinny. As the credits began to roll, the cuckolding meatball finally confessed the full extent of her Vinny hookup, with the camera quickly cutting to black. And honestly, if Vinny’s manhood truly is as monumental as Snooki has always said it is, wouldn’t full-on sex be the kind of thing that you’d remember? — or at least, you know, kind of sense the day after? Anyway, Snooki quickly called Jionni back. And also, can we just pause for a second to reflect on the fact that Mike’s plan hinged on somebody called “Unit”? I mean.just soak that up for a second. My awe, however, was short-lived, for Snooki spent the entire trip embarrassing herself and her country. Of course, the fatal flaw in Mike’s grand inquisition was that Sam and Deena both said straight to Mike’s face “I’m telling Snooki the next time I see her.” And lo and behold, when Snooki arrived home later, the first thing the girls did was tell Snooki exactly what Mike had (allegedly) done — just as they’d promised. At the first vineyard, Snooki yawned and loudly belched throughout the sommelier’s presentation (“Cool. After hot minute of being upset, Jionni inexplicably told Snooki that he was would give her another chance. Her dad, however, responded by telling Snooki that Jionni recently changed his Facebook status to single. While they were gone, Mike hatched a little plan to get even with Snooki, who he felt was guilty of automatically believing what other people say about him (even though it’s always — and I mean always — true). You are seriously acting like a piece of trash. Mike, his greasy little cockroach antennae detecting the slightest hint of drama, sleepwalked into the room and asked what all the commotion was about, and Snooki unceremoniously told him to the the F out of her face. Especially if, like Snooki, you’re a borderline alcoholic. “It’s looks like Jurassic Park,” an awe-struck Vinny remarked as he and the boys drove through the quaint Sicilian countryside. Also, I call it a “little plan” because, well, Mike has the brain function of a broken sex toy. Snooki, her little hands starting to shake from alcohol withdrawal/anger, grabbed JWOWW by the wrist and dragged her out of the apartment for those much-discussed mimosas. Seriously. His brilliant mastermind plan? He told Ron, Sam, and Deena that he had his friend Unit call Jionni to confirm Mike’s hook-up story about Snooki. Boo! Like, you know. Instead, like a deformed and featherless peacock, he proudly maintained that his “well thought-out evil plan” (his words!) went entirely according to plan — which is technically true, if by “went according to plan” he meant “proved that he’s a sociopath.” Later, Ron and Sam (who, I have to hand it to them, have quickly become the least horrible people on this show) pow-wowed about how much they now despise Mike, and what a truly disturbed, sick person he is. But honestly, if the highlight of this brave new, technological world means having to hear Snooki’s dad read status updates on his iPhone, then maybe we all really have something to grieve about. History. Anyway, the whole point of Mike’s plan — it’s entire raison d’etre, if you will — was that it was supposed to uncover which housemate snitched to Snooki. And yes, Snooki actually inserted an F-bomb into casual father/daughter conversation. This week, there’s been heaps of press coverage about Occupy Wall Street, which is a grassroots protest against out-of-control financial corruption. Slightly horrified at his friend’s black-out lack of memory, Vin informed Snooki that they had, in fact, gone all the way. And I never thought I’d ever, ever say this: but, for once, those two might be right about something. Meanwhile, the girls took a wine-tasting day trip to Tuscany, a plan which initially shocked and impressed me with its air of adult sophistication. Which like, you know what? FML. Like, I’m not into geography anymore. Suddenly triumphant, Snooki pulled Vinny (who’d just arrived back from his big homeland trip) aside to ask what actually went down between them the other night — a conversation that, you know, probably should have happened before her big heart-to-heart with Jionni.
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